Davide Santon (Inter Milan and Italy)
How can one man have both George Michael circa “Freedom 90” stubble and the skincare of a teenage Manuel Noriega and still look like he’s in charge of a “Lesbian about town” column for a London freesheet? It’s the bitchface, he gives, huh?
Paul Gascoigne (Formerly Tottenham Hotspur)
Not just a Footballer That Looks Like A Lesbian, but rather a Footballer That Looks Like She’s Just Had Her Heart Broken By Pam St Clement And Has Taken To The Cooking Sherry To Cope. From what I remember of the female rugby team at Lancaster University, Paul Gascoigne would go down a bomb in the world of butch lesbians: he too enjoys any evening that ends with punching a woman in the face, and they too drank hella Newcastle Brown. Sadly, the only lesbian action any Gascoigne will be seeing in the near future will be Bianca having her tits groped in a lacklustre fashion by Lucy Pinder on a Nuts cover.
Diego Maradona (Argentina)
Like a 50/50 cross between a confrontational “I’M FAT FUCK OFF” Millie Tant-esque dyke, and an actress hamming it up as an aunt in the sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Sun Jihai (Chengdu Blades)
Can you imagine a more delicate flower of a footballer? It’s lucky that Jihai’s Man City career was over before the Abu Dhabi revolution, as the idea of Bellamy, Adebayor, Ireland and Robinho swapping car-mod tips and spit-roasting anecdotes while he tries to find a corner somewhere he can read his Elizabeth Bishop anthology is just too heartbreaking to contemplate.
Do they even have lesbians in China?
Jan Molby (formerly Liverpool)
Footballers That Look Like Lesbians is a proudly working class Tumblr writing about a (traditionally, at least) proudly working class sport, so it’s only fair that Jan Molby represents the proudly working class lesbian. Maybe it’s not fair to say that the gay rights movement in this country was borne out of those brave dinnerladies, mechanics and lorry drivers who eschewed deodorant and proudly downed Ruddles in boozers nationwide, but these are women who deserve some credit.
Neven Subotic (Borussia Dortmund)
It’s slowly becoming apparent that the best way to find content for this Tumblr is to just scan through all the photos on Kickette and avoid anyone who has their shirt off. Subotic has to be something of a banner play for Footballers That Look Like Lesbians, being as he’s not only had the “veteran lesbian stand-up comedian who never really found favour in the mainstream” look above, but has also been known to rock this Hope Powell via Blazin’ Squad abortion of a look. Neven a dull moment in the sapphic similarity stakes with this one about.
Guti (Real Madrid)
It’s kinda dispiriting when you first encounter lesbian culture, in particular “butch” lesbian culture, in its massed form. Growing up I always assumed the diesel dykes would resemble Robert Mitchum with tits, whereas instead they’ve seemingly taken their male icon to be “the guys who pick your items up for you at Argos”.
Simon Kjaer (Palermo)
Every single (field) hockey team in the UK has at least four players with Simon Kjaer’s face: awkward looking types with puppy fat and acne who found “a place to belong” after doing three dirty pints on a “Go Puck Yourself” bar crawl in Freshers’ Week. Presumably if Kjaer was to turn around, you’d see he was actually wearing a hoodie with “SIMON SAYS” or “PICKLEBREATH” written personalised on the back.
Robbie Savage (Derby County)
Punk-era bondagewear designer who still turns up to the more outre shows at London Fashion Week, where she proceeds to get fucked up on white wine and is eventually thrown out of the building by Erin O’Connor’s bodyguard.
Tomáš Rosický (Arsenal)
This week on The L Word, Alice’s world is turned upside down by “Tommi”, a happy-go-lucky Czech sportswoman who takes her on a seven minute journey of unstoppable passion before she tears her hamstring scissoring.
